A few times a week I get emails from a man named Pastor Steve, but my inbox tells me they’re from “Unfolding Light.” I like this juxtaposition of words because when I think of light unfolding I imagine dough in a big pottery bowl being kneaded and folded, kneaded and folded, slowly being made ready for baking, for transformation. Imagining light as unfolding makes it seem less threatening because though I revel in light’s ability to brighten, sometimes I’m not ready for the stark clarity it brings. Light can overwhelm, penetrate and blind. I long for a light that is more subtle and gentle, whose glow grows gradually.

Today, the day after winter solstice, is the day of reversal. Finally our days will become longer, filled with greater and greater light, not suddenly but slowly. Nature can teach us much if we let it and I hope that the measured movement of our planet as it orbits the sun will teach me to be more patient with myself, my health, and my life. As they say in Senegal: “Ndank ndank muy japp gollo ci nyaay”: Slowly slowly you catch the monkey in the bush. I admit that I love this Wolof saying first and foremost because it’s fun to say and I enjoy how nonsensical it seems in my current context. I mean, I haven’t really come across too many monkeys out in the bush during the two years that I’ve been back in the United States! Yet I can’t think of a place (or time) where I’ve needed this proverb more. Ndank ndank. Slowly slowly. Or as Simon and Garfunkel put it in the 59th Street Bridge Song:

Slow down, you move too fast
You’ve got to make the morning last
Just kickin’ down the cobble stones
Lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy

But back to Pastor Steve, a.k.a. Unfolding Light, and a recent email he sent entitled “Unanswered prayer.” In it he writes, “...Advent is a season in which we spend some silence...contemplating this mystery: that though some prayers seem unanswered, in fact God has heard, and an answer is even now unfolding, though we may not recognize it, for it is not what we are looking for.” He goes on to advise:

Offer your unanswered prayers to God. Be mindful of your longings. Do not forget them or minimize them. Don’t give up on them. They are in your heart for a reason. Whether your yearning is wistful or painful, whether your unanswered prayer is hopeful or mournful—bear it to God. God has heard. Wait in silence for the answer to unfold. It will likely be something unexpected. But in it, you will have a place in God’s salvation of the world.

Salvation...what an ugly word! At least it is for me because I associate it with fundamentalist Christian theology that maintains that Jesus is the only way, that you have to accept Him as your “personal lord and savior” in order to achieve salvation and escape fiery damnation. A whole lot of bunk, if you ask me. After all, to what degree do we really choose our religion anyway? Culture, family, friends: these are just a few of the myriad of influences contributing to our religious and spiritual understanding of the world. I consider myself a Christian Agnostic in a very literal sense (Christian means “little Christ” and Agnostic means “without knowledge”). I’d like to live my life like Christ lived his, but I also believe that I am profoundly lacking in the knowledge or even the ability to comprehend the great mysteries of the universe.

The truth of the matter is I don’t believe a lot of what many people hold as the major tenants of the Christian faith, but it’s the way I’ve been raised and consequently I’ve learned the lingo, the stories, the rituals. Christianity has become a part of me; it’s one of the lenses through which I see the world. I’d like to expand that lens, to explore other faiths and seek salvation, but with a new understanding of the word. Afterall, "salvation" comes from the latin word "salis" meaning health (I found this out when I attended First Unitarian Church in San Jose with my uncle Bryan Thanksgiving weekend). As I struggle to unfold my light, my salvation, and my health, I’ll keep in mind the words with which Pastor Steve closed his email: “Pray, rejoice, and wait.”

Ndank ndank.